Just Trying to Get By

I still feel so alone. I am trying to turn to God, but God is not a human who can literally sit there next to me and listen, or hug. But it is still something I need to work on. And I trust God to provide for me what I need...I just don't know why it hasnt happened yet. I don't know why I spent a year being constantly cut down, feeling horrible, wanting to die and doing the worst things to myself and had no one there to help me. Every time I tried to talk to God, I begged for Him to help me, to give me the strength and courage to stop myself, to find comfort through Him and in His words. But it never fully came. Was I not trying hard enough? I want God close to me, and I feel that should be my main priority. Does God want people away from me so I focus fully on Him? I don't know. But I know the Bible talks about the importance of friendship and having people here on earth to provide support. And that is what I want and need. My doctor recommended seeing a counselor because he said being sick might make me upset, which is absolutely true, but I didn't want one. My mom finally made me start seeing one after the last time I almost killed myself. I hold back because I don't want to get upset in front of her; and, well, talking to someone who is paid to listen isn't the same as having a friend who actually cares.