Mistakes

I'm not even sure what to write here...basically I got upset again. And I took a lot of pills. Then I texted A. because I got scared, and he pretty much said nothing, then I sat there and spaced out for a while, wanting to die except that in the back of my mind I knew what I was doing was wrong. So I went and made myself throw up a lot. I'm not sure if it worked, because I took the pills on an empty stomach, but I sort of hope it did, because I don't want to do what suicide would be doing to anyone. It was a bad mistake, and now that I'm writing this I'm getting a little panicky, hoping that worked. I don't even completely know what my deal was today. I always try to avoid thinking about the future because it gets me very upset very quickly. But then I started thinking about my mom, and school, and how it often seems like no one cares, and how I will never be good enough and I want to starve starve away till no one can see my anymore. Then I tried to write to my supposed best friend and she was ignoring me and it confirmed my feelings of no one caring about me. But after that I remembered J and how sweet she is and what a good friend she is and how she is really the only friend I have in real life who somewhat understands me and I knew I shouldn't be doing this...so I just talked to her because she's great and she was nice and stuff. And she told me I should journal about the good and bad in my life, which is why I'm writing here. But this whole post is just a big jumbled mess, nothing like what I usually write and nothing that makes me feel better. I will try to do what she said anyway...

THE BAD

• I have spent my life being verbally and physically abused by someone who I really love, and I won't even go into it because that's a whole other story but it just puts me in the strangest place...because it's someone I love.
• I'm chronically sick
• I'm always in pain - my stomach, my body aching all over, feeling like I'm being stabbed in random spots, feeling like there is poison running through my veins...
• I'm always dizzy
• I can't walk or even sit up a lot of days because of my illness
• All my friends abandoned me when I got sick
• I feel like I cannot think fully anymore
• No one understands at all what it is like to be sick all the time
• The few people I still talk to hang out with each other all the time and not me because of course people don't understand that I am often to sick/exhausted to do things and I have to pace myself..
• I often doubt if this will kill me
• I don't know if I will ever be able to have kids
• I worry I'll be sick forever and never be able to pursue the few dreams I still have
• I know I'm always going to have issues with thinking I'm fat
• I hate how I look, I hate my face, I hate everything
• I don't want my mom to have to deal with me being sick, it's too much for her
• I can't handle that there is a pandemic happening right now, because that's my worst fear.

More. But I don't like writing this. I'll just say that most of my problems stem from extreme anxiety, self hate, having a chronic illness, and childhood abuse. Let's leave it at that, alright?

THE GOOD

• I have a lovely room all to myself
• I can read and write
• I have some of the sweetest pets in the universe
• my mom and I have a lot of fun together
• my dad is sweet and nice, even if he doesn't talk to me, and he doesn't do a lot of gross things that some men do
• My family is stable financially
• I am able to get out and go to the drugstore on the days I can walk, which is at least a way to get out of the house, and I'm fortunate
• I have a car, for when I can drive it
• I have an elliptical exercise machine in the basement, which is pretty much my baby :p
• I am extremely thankful to have met the sweet people over the internet that I have met, along with J.
• My mom does care about me and so does J.
• I have a bed and it's even a comfortable bed, with blankets
• I have access to medicine and doctors - as much as I sometimes hate them, I know I'm extremely fortunate
• I have parents who care and pay attention
• I have roof over my head - a heated roof, at that
• I have access to clean water and a supply of food
• My extended family gets along well for the most part, and they are a fun and sweet group of people who know God
• As much as I hate my body, it can do some things right. I can swallow, breathe on my own, walk most of the time, put on my own clothes, and even exercise sometimes.
• I can (mostly) afford to attend college and get the books and supplies I need
• God is there.

Mostly material stuff, which I can assure you does not make a person feel any better. But I do have my mom and some really sweet people who probably do care, I just don't realize it, and those things are what is important. And let's be honest here. So often I write about how my eyes have been opened to how fortunate people are to have their health, and how I never want to take advantage of anything like that again. And here I am, more blessed than I am capable of realizing, and I was so close to giving up my life completely.