Avoidance

Yes, I've been avoiding writing on here. Not because I hate writing or anything like that, but because I just want to escape being sick. I've been avoiding watching youtube videos from my fellow sick folk, going on the sick person forum, keeping track of my health...anything to do with being sick. I just don't want to deal with it. Of course reality had to come and bash me in the head at some time, and that time was today. I'm really depressed. I just don't know how to handle all this anymore. School is coming up, and I don't want to deal with it again. It's so difficult to keep pushing and fighting all the time when I just want a break. The thing is, you can't have a break from your body. You can't escape yourself. And, right now, that is all I want to do.

I feel like a zombie today. Sometimes I just walk around emotionless, feeling like I could kill someone and not even react. I don't know, I just feel so..jaded, or something. As though I've been through too much to care or feel anymore. I'd love to cry but that hasn't happened. I've spent the day sitting there, staring into space. I've been trying to hard to make strides forward in my relationship with Christ, in changing myself so I don't feel like a blob of nothingness all the time but I can't seem to get past this. I just want a way out. I want my soul out of my body, I want to be free. If anyone knows of a good soul removal surgery, let me know. Until then I guess I'll just continue to be a shell of a person, barely hanging on.