My thoughts are not completely sorted, and I intend to go back to this post and make it less...bad. But for now, I just want to get my thoughts out on "paper."
I feel so blessed, because God has put some truly amazing people in my life. A lot of you I don't kno0w very well and haven't even met, but you've given me random words of encouragement and it's meant SO much to me. A few years ago, after experiencing abandonment by all my friends when I got sick and needed them the most, I was completely lost and lonely and eventually decided people just can't be counted on and will always let you down. I thought I would be okay with just me, God, and my pets, but He showed me through verses that friends are a good thing to have...And all the people who have helped me probably won't even see this, but really, I thank you all because you have shown me I was completely wrong to give up hope on people ever having a heart.
Getting away from that mindset led me to starting a relationship with a great person, who I am lately questioning my feelings for. We've been boyfriend and girlfriend for over 9 months now, but as someone who missed out on the social experiences of being a teenager, I just feel kind of lost. I tend to get attached to everyone and love everyone (I know that conflicts with my previous statement, but I've aloways been a very compassionate person and my whole against humans phase was during a VERY difficult time in my life when I felt like the only way to get by was to become completely callous to everyone because people were hurting me so bad), and over the past month I have realized that I am not sure how to differentiate my normal love for people with romantic love. I just don't know what I'm doing, or how I feel or should feel. It sounds ridiculous, but it's true. So my boyfriend and I have gone on a break, and I just really want to turn to God for answers. I was hoping He'd give me some hints through my ipod tonight, but first it played "All at Once" by the Fray and then "It's All Over" by the Broken Family Band. So I feel like I'm getting mixed messages now! I really feel that's my own fault though. I have to dig a LOT deeper with God than I have been to figure this stuff out. I can't just pull random things I think might be clues from Him out of the sky, which I sometimes do.
And an update from my last post - Midodrine is back on the market! The FDA listened to everyone's complaints and decided not to pull it, and will be giving the drug company time to redo their testing. Now I can just hope and pray that the testing all goes well so it can stay here. But, I learned an important lesson from this - God WILL provide, and He's not kidding when He tells us not to waste our time worrying. I spent so long crying and worrying over the loss of this drug - I lost a LOT of time I could've spent doing schoolwork. And it was all for nothing! I'm an anxious and worrisome person by nature, and this lesson has always been a struggle for me. For instance my cousin is in the E.R. tonight, which is why I'm still up - I'm worried for her. But I'm going to keep praying and turn to my Bible for some positive words about the situation, and hopefully I can calm down. As much as I hate being sick, God has taught me such imnportant lessons through it.
1 comments:
I completely understand how it feels to be abandoned my our loved ones when we become ill. I went through that my freshman year in college, and I was attending a Christian college for those entering the ministry! I honestly believe people just don't know what to do, and so they run. Also, our society is very self-absorbed. If have have a cold, your friends might bring you soup. But if you have chronic illness, don't expect to see them again. Sad, but true. I'm glad you've discovered some true friends in the midst of your struggles. They are few and far between, but they are out there. (((hugs)))
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