What other choice do I have?

It's been a rough couple weeks. A rough couple years. A rough couple almost 5 years, to be exact. Don't expect this post to be too meaningful - I am just sorting my thoughts. I did what needed to be done at the end of December and broke up with my boyfriend after dating him for a year. I spent the last several months of our relationship wanting to do it but not wanting to hurt him, because he is SO nice - and I think, underneath that, there were other reasons I waited as well. Subconsciously, I was scared of being alone again. Not just being single, I don't have a problem with that. The total loneliness that comes with being sick - isolation, feeling like no one cares, spending days on end with no contact from a single human being. It was wonderful, having someone to talk to and see EVERY day. Going back to this has been like having something ripped away from me. Having humanity ripped away from me. And it's extremely difficult. I know I did the right thing, but it isn't easy.

My health has also NOT been good in the least. New, frightening symptoms, and everything else at the highest level of torture. The other day, which was a typical day spent barely being able to walk or sit up, I tried to kill time and get my mind off things by going to a bath product forum I spent a lot of time on when I first got sick. I came across a thread about depression, and because I am interested in the stories of others, began reading through. I was kind of slapped in the face because a lot of the people were talking about their family and some of their stories were SO similar to what I've been through - it brought back a lot of unpleasant feelings and memories that I try very hard to keep buried somewhere deep in my soul. I wish I could say it was therapeutic, but it's just made me more depressed, along with resentful of my parents. I have found a good deal of comfort in music, though - particularly, I found a few songs by the Christian band Plumb that describe me exactly.

Boys Don't Cry describes my relationship with my dad perfectly.
Boys Don't Cry:
http://tinysong.com/iIcb
You sit there on the couch, sipping your scotch and ice. You turn the TV on and tune me out again.

(CHORUS)So what would you say to me, if you could talk to me? You could ask anything, I wouldn't lie. But you're okay with this damaging awkwardness, so I'll just play it safe, and keep it inside. 'Cause boys don't cry.

I used to hold your hand so tight there was no question. But now even when you're near, I've never felt so alone.

REPEAT CHORUS

If you just stand beside me, I'll keep you in my life. Tell me how much you love me, and I'll be just fine. Don't be afraid of me.

REPEAT CHORUS

Jekyll and Hyde is EXACTLY what I would like to say to my mom.
Jekyll and Hyde:
http://tinysong.com/iOxS
You remind me of a cigarette - you burn up slowly and then go out like that. You make it hard for me to breathe, you make my head hurt, you make my skin stink.

So why don't you leave me alone, or say you were wrong?

(CHORUS) 'Cause I don't wanna hide, I need the tears inside to dry. I want more than just to try and love you, Jekyll and Hyde.

Well it's not easy for me to be somebody different, somebody else than me. But you're the actor, the extraordinaire. You make it look like I'm the crazy one here.

So why don't you leave me alone, or say you were wrong?

REPEAT CHORUS

I am willing to forgive - are you willing to take ownership? 'Cause I'm so willing to forgive. We're only given one chance to live.

REPEAT CHORUS

I'm not going to blame anyone for this last song. It just describes me. My faults too.
Cut:
http://tinysong.com/qEm

I'm not a stranger. No, I am yours. With crippled anger, and tears that still drip sore. A fragile frame aged with misery. And when our eyes meet, I know you see.

(CHORUS) I do not want to be afraid. I do not want to die inside just to breathe in. I'm tired of feeling so numb. Relief exists, I find it when I am cut.

I may seem crazy, or painfully shy. And these scars wouldn't be so hidden if you would just look me in the eye. I feel alone here and cold here, oh I don't wanna die. But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything, kills inside.

REPEAT CHORUS

I am not alone, I am not alone.

I'm not a stranger, no I am yours. With crippled anger, and tears that still drip sore.

REPEAT CHORUS: I do not want to be afraid. I do not want to die inside just to breathe in. I'm tired of feeling so numb. Relief exists, I found it when I was cut.

It pretty much describes how lonely I am, how much I want someone to "?look me in the eye." I would consider the "I am not alone" part to be referring to God.

Today, I was hoping for a better day - my mom's friend came over and brought her two precious little girls. I absolutely adore children, so I was very excited about it. They were amazing as always, but I was SO drained after the few hours I spent with them. It made me think about my dreams - I want to be a doctor, of course, but my biggest dream is to be a mom. How am I supposed to care for children full time when i can barely handle a few hours now and will be out for days?? It's depressing to think about. I just have to TRY and keep hoping things will eventually get better - it's a hard thing to do considering that so far, they have only gotten worse. The quote from Corrie Ten Boom on the top of this page is what I try to remember though - God is there, and has a future for me - it says so in Jeremiah 29:11. It's hard to keep faith, but I admire Corrie Ten Boom so much because she never lost it through all her struggles losing her family in concentration camps during the Holocaust. (If you haven't read The Hiding Place, go do it! Now!) If she can do that, surely I can get through my daily trials and tribulations. I mean, what other choice do I have?