Deeply Affected

I work really hard to appear unaffected by the things around me. Cutting remarks from my parents, being forgotten by friends, even world tragedies that don't affect me directly. I don't like letting my emotions show, so I build up a wall of stones. But the truth is, as anyone who's read a word I've written on here can see, I am deeply affected.

I wish losing my friend because he sexually assaulted me hadn't affected me so deeply. I know it wasn't right, but it could have been much worse. For me, though, it was a lot. I'm someone who had only kissed one person and had certainly never done the things that were done to me. I try to pretend it wasn't a big deal; that I'm fine. And, I am fine - unless I think about what happened. Thinking about it never ceases to make me feel ill. I feel like a part of me was taken away. I feel vulnerable and scared and disgusted and other things I can't even voice. For so long after, I was disgusted by anything remotely sexual; half the commercials on tv made me want to vomit. I'm doing better (I made it through a season of American Horror Story, though I did fast forward through all the sex scenes), but I still felt the need to write down how it affected me. It certainly isn't something I've yet been able to say out loud.

There are much bigger problems in the world, I know. And those make me sick, and they make me question God at times. A friend of a friend has leukemia. This girl is 14 and sweet and deserves so much more than what has been thrown at her. She is barely hanging on, has a mother who is absolutely terrible, and I've been spending every night awake thinking and praying for her. I desperately want this young girl to have the chance to grow up, be happy, never have to worry about this disease ever again. And I'm terrified that that won't be what happens. That it will be like what happened to Joshua. I'm not sure if it's worse to lose a 5 year old or a 14 year old to cancer. It really isn't something that can be compared. But it is sickening thinking about a young girl blooming into adulthood, fully aware of what's happening to her losing her chance at life.

I guess that's how I am with most things - fine unless I think about them. Fine unless I think about my future, school, anything related to my health. Fine unless I begin to think about what a truly screwed up word we live in. I can cope fairly well if I keep things on the surface - keep my brain on mindless tv or cute boys or nail polish - I really can. But it all goes downhill if I let myself think.